Unmasking Toxic Relationships: It Starts with Not Ignoring Red Flags

When clients that have a history of toxic relationships come into my office, they already have a good idea about red flags. They actually know what they are to the point they can describe them to you. The problem is that they continue to ignore them, and therefore their toxic relationship cycle continues. But why? Why when you already know and can identify red flags in individuals, do you continue with the relationship anyway?

The answer usually stems from the fact that the desire to meet an unmet need, is usually greater than the fear of the damage the red flag will cause. There are so many examples of unmet needs. For example, never being told you were beautiful and therefore your focus becomes needing to be seen. Or for example, you have abandonment or attachment issues therefore you ignore a red flag because your need is to be in a committed relationship, for the feeling of security or avoiding loneliness. I also have clients who struggle with low self-esteem therefore being in a relationship makes them feel strong and more secure.

All the needs I mentioned by the way, you can get met by yourself, you do not need a partner. But unfortunately, if you don't work on your unmet needs that are often stemming from childhood, you will continue ignoring the red flags in you relationships.

What I am in fact saying, is that it isn't that most people don't SEE the red flags, they just dismiss them because getting that unmet need fulfilled is more important. Again, it may be important in the moment, but the long term damage that the toxic relationship can cause isn't truly worth the trade off.

So how do you "Not ignore red flags" you ask? It starts with working on meeting the unmet needs and doing some inner child work. Ask yourself, what are the unmet needs and why are they unmet? Working with your therapist you can explore this, and figure out healthy ways to met them on your own, without relying on a partner.

Next step is setting yourself up for a good game plan on how to not ignore red flags as you enter relationships. Setting boundaries and rules for yourself to follow can be a great start. Practicing saying "no" to people and being comfortable advocating for yourself is also important.

There is no time like the present so the sooner you start this process the better! Have a daily mantra like "You are worthy of love and respect, and will not settle for less," and saying it in the mirror daily. Start walking the walk and take action steps for positive change. You got this!