The Power of Change: Overcoming Bad Patterns and Achieving Growth In Therapy

So often people come into my office telling me the same thing, "I don't know why I keep choosing the bad boys." Or they say, "I don't know why I keep smoking marijuana when I'm stressed." Well actually they have completed the first step in the therapeutic process without even knowing it! They have identified the negative repeat behavior and that's great, but now what?

I know what you are thinking, if identifying the negative repeat behavior was all you needed to do, then everyone's life should be getting better right? But you know that this is just the first step. Now you need to decide if you want to change it. So you need to ask yourself, "What harm is this negative repeat behavior doing to me and my life?" "Do I have the time and energy to work on this right now?" "How motivated am I to work on this?" (the use of scaling can help with this question-rate your motivation on a scale of 0-10 to see your motivation level more clearly).

After you have answered those questions and have decided to move forward, this is where the work begins. In working with your therapist, you will do a deep dive into the root of these behaviors, which more times than not root from trauma. Not just "talking about" but identifying, processing, and attempting to do some healing from your trauma, is what is needed.

This process can take some time and will be difficult, but life changing at the same time. As you get to the root of your negative repeat behavior you will discover that you have been in fact doing these behaviors to meet a need, (for example; attention, physical affection, numbing negative emotions, meeting unmet parental love and acceptance). Does any of this sound familiar?

Then after you identify the unmet need, you will be able to learn how to meet that need in a more healthy way (for example; with setting boundaries, using good communication, inner child work, and not damaging your mind/body/soul in the process).

It is very important that you understand, if you are going to change a negative behavior or pattern, you MUST replace it with a healthy behavior or pattern. If not, you will go back to "old patterns of behavior" once again.

Talk with your therapist, make a game plan that you are comfortable with, discuss the pace of this process and what you think you can and can't handle. For example, if you are struggling with depressive symptoms (ex. sleep disturbance, low energy, appetite issues, tearfulness), it may make more sense for you to work on those symptoms first so that you have more energy to take on this task.

Also, ask your therapist what modality of treatment style she will be utilizing. I personally like the following modalities when tackling this particular task-Narrative, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Solution-Focused.

So if you truly want to see some progress and success in therapy, this is a must do task. Remember, you deserve this and you can do it! Good luck and happy therapy!